22 Feb 2012, 9:09am
Chronicles Of A Stay At Home Mom:
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  • Chronicles: That ‘nowhere’ feeling

    Most recently I’ve been plagued with thoughts of my future.  It’s inevitable, my future.  It’s always lurking around the corner scaring me with its mysteriousness.  What am I going to do with myself???  How is it that I ended up, 31, with two kids and no “future”?  When I was younger, I had grand plans of traveling and being a diplomatic escort, uhm, that is no longer in the cards, so what now?

    I envy those who just *know* what they are going to do and every move they make in their life is a chess move toward their ultimate goal.  I have someone in my life like that and it’s enviable.  I’m desperately scrambling trying to pick a favorite part of myself to nurture academically so I can have something to do while my babies are in school (only one more year and baby R will be in school).  My love for languages is insatiable and I have a small list, that is growing, of the languages I want to learn.  But, I also love…nevermind, this could go on for a few paragraphs.  Bottom line is — I want to know what to do.  That’s all.  I feel a little bit nowhere-ish right now and it’s very bothersome.  Sometimes, I feel really guilty for feeling this way.   I know that there are SAHMs (stay at home moms) who just live to stay home, even if their babies are in school, I do not.  When my babies are in school, I want to remember how to fly again.  That’s what I want.  The feeling of filling my mind with interesting bits of knowledge, and then creating a wonderful academic atmosphere for my babies is something I crave.  Books on the shelves, maps of the world on the wall, charts of the stars, books with huge fold outs of the human anatomy…just a general love for everything.

    Is that so bad?  So, future, since I know you’re out there, staring at me with dark, mysterious eyes, please, give me a hint, a glimmer of light in the right direction.  I’m ready, you know.

    23 Feb 2012, 6:50am
    by Deborah Kordecki

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    Lookout California!

     

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