Chronicles Of A Stay At Home Mom: anger growing pains recovery resentment
by Mommy Hobbies
In my napsack stash
That was me. The past couple of years I have merely been a bunch of little pieces. It has been hard. I stopped blogging because I found a different way to let all of the thoughts in my head OUT.
I’ve been running — in more ways than one: physically, spiritually, mentally…uhg. So disappointed in myself that it took me nearly two years to recuperate. Our family slowly slipped beneath the radar while I was trying to find my footing again. I didn’t want anyone to know where I was or what was going on in my life, and to a degree, I still don’t. The less people know, the less ammo they have to hurt me and use against me. And, my plan worked. My escape into the shadows allowed me time to heal and regroup, but not without losing a piece of myself to resentment and anger. Shame on me.
Over the past few months I have started evolving into someone new, a stronger, more confident, sure version of myself. All of the hardships that I endured gave me a baseline to work with. I now know the difference between allowing people to use me, push me around and intimidate me and where my right as human to refuse that sort of treatment is. What a moment of self-revelation that was. Now, I’m on the climb back up and out of this hazy, dark hole of confusion and hurt. Today I felt something surge within me that I haven’t felt in many months. What a relief to know that certain parts of me didn’t die completely. I’m still alive and now more sure of who I am than ever. And I dare anyone to test that confidence. They will quickly find I will not buckle from their bullying or intimidation so easily, but I will stand firm in what I know and handle their attack with grace. No need to mess up my curls over someone else’s twisted view of the world. Really. I’m through taking on someone else’s problems and attributing it to some lack of character within myself. I DESERVE to be treated this way. There is something wrong with ME. I CAUSED ALL of this. I am DEFICIENT. I don’t know what I’m TALKING ABOUT. I’m not GOOD ENOUGH.
Yeah. Not happening here folks, take that negativity away from me. It has no place here.
And thank you God for never leaving my side. Thank you God for waiting patiently while I huddled and cowered afraid of everything and everyone. Thank God for your tender mercy and care that kept speaking to me softly through this situation and that…you never left me, not once. I know this for sure. Thank you.